Take a bow, the grand finale, the last lap.

The ways of saying it are endless. 

It’s the end.

Senior year. This is the first time I have written those words, and I hate that.

I graduate this year, and it terrifies me.

I’m the exact opposite of every other senior. Everyone I hear has their life together, and I am falling apart at the seams. I don’t know where I want to go to college, I don’t know what I want to be for the rest of my life, I don’t know how I will support myself. The anxiety that comes with being a senior should get clouded over by all of the excitement of being the “big man” on campus. But I am too consumed with worrying about life after high school to enjoy the perks of right now.

As a little kid, I tended to try to have the end in sight in all things I did, but even as I entered high school, I never truly grasped that one day it would be over. It’s easy to forget that time moves forward because the days seem longer and hours drag on and on, but here I sit at the end of the first six weeks of second semester and my heart constricts in my chest.

I’m a Senior.

Such a simple sentence to construct, but this is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write about. The abrupt shift between a cushioned system that I’ve grown used to for the last 12 years ends for me in May. How do I adjust for that?

As Co-Editor of the Rider Chronicle, the teachers and administration see my face often enough that I can walk into a class and without saying a word the person will say “who do you need to interview?” It’s what I do, it’s what I’ve done for the last four years.

Mrs. Lee has worked with me from the start and taught me how to handle life. I would not have been able to work as hard as I have without her and the paper, and I am so thankful for her.

Softball has been an amazing anchor for me because of the constant schedule. Graves, Crouch and Chambo have made me laugh and gotten me through most of my silent meltdowns without them even knowing.

I’m overwhelmed. I’m drowning.

I’m a Senior.

I have gone to the same church since I was in the third grade and I have never moved houses in my life, so change isn’t really my thing. Since I tend to be spontaneous and my mouth runs faster than my mind, little changes from day-to-day aren’t life altering.

But it’s senior year.

Everything matters more now because it’s my last. There isn’t an endless amount of time between this year and college. Sports events mean more, my teachers aren’t someone to be afraid of anymore, I finally have most things here figured out, and it’s all about to get ripped away.

I don’t really know what to say or do from this point on. Time moves forward, and graduation day comes closer and closer, and I’m still stuck. There isn’t really a cure-all button I can push for the confusion in my mind, but I know that things have gotten a little easier lately. It’s not happening overnight, but talking with my interns at church and getting involved in more activities at church have distracted me and my chest isn’t as tight. I want to enjoy this year, and I think I’m getting there.

I am a Senior.